Filthy 4 (Filthy #4) Read online

  When he stepped through the threshold his eyes found mine first and he paused awkwardly, half out of the bedroom, half in it. I didn’t miss the way his lips parted as his gaze roamed over me, the way his nostrils flared as he took in every inch of me. With the drugs, I was good at reading men, without them I was even better. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did. Rhett was looking at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Even though I stood next to Sarah, who was even more gorgeous. I knew that now for sure. It wasn’t just her looks, it was her personality. She shined brightly like no one else I had ever met. And I looked away from him, hating how much I loved his reaction to me. Something like guilt burrowed under my skin.

  “Doesn’t she look fabulous?” Sarah asked.

  “She does.” He moved closer and I stared down at my feet. “You did a great job.”

  I glanced up, realizing that he was talking to Sarah. His arm was around her waist. He pulled her into his side and kissed her forehead. The subtle gesture gutted me, making my breath catch just inside my chest.

  He was giving her credit for the way I looked. Well, she did do your hair and makeup.

  I wanted to yell back at my conscience, but I didn’t. Instead I just accepted it. Sarah had fixed my hair and my makeup. She had picked out my dress and shoes. She deserved the credit for the way I looked. But that didn’t help the hurt that squirmed under my skin.

  I spent the drive in silence in the back seat while Sarah chattered in the front, talking about dresses and shopping today. She was lighter than I’d ever seen her, happy. Rhett didn’t say much either, though I could feel his eyes on me from time to time in the rearview mirror. I didn’t return his stare. And I couldn’t help the guilt that seemed to only become more prevalent with each passing second.

  They didn’t hold hands as he drove and I couldn’t help the happiness that mingled with my guilt at that fact. It also didn’t help that Rhett looked amazing. The black suit fit him like it was made for him and the white shirt and black tie gave him a classic look that made my mouth water and my cunt wet.

  “We’re here.” His voice was heavy, a thick rumble in the car.

  I glanced out at the big hotel before us. The parking lot filled with lots of cars. Dread bubbled up inside me along with everything else I was feeling. I had to play a role. I was good at pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I had practiced every day for years, but this was different. I was about to stand in a room in front of lots of people. People who were successful and rich. People who persecuted people like me and put them in jail for life or had them die by means of lethal injection. I was going to stand before them, shake their hands, and pretend like I hadn’t fucked hundreds of strangers. That I hadn’t fucked my step-dad over and over, that I hadn’t liked it. That I hadn’t cum on his cock even when he was hurting me.

  I had to play the role of the little sister who wasn’t fucked up. A woman who wasn’t hungry for a bump of cocaine. But I was hungry for that. Even though my time at home with Sarah had been decent enough, it hadn’t stopped the cravings. They were there just beneath the surface making my skin prickle, ready, desperate for more. I didn’t want it, not really. I didn’t want that life again. The one that came with the drugs, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t the life that I craved. I wanted those moments of ecstasy, where I pretended like the past wasn’t real, where I lived for one moment and one moment alone.

  I chewed my bottom lip, biting the fleshy surface hard, until the coppery flavor of blood flooded my mouth.

  “You ready?” Sarah glanced back at me.

  I let go of my lip and swiped it with the back of my hand.

  Am I ready? I wasn’t. I wanted nothing more than to get lost in the simple ecstasy a hit of cocaine could give me. “Yes.” I heard the word and knew I had spoken it. I was stronger than my addiction. I am. I tried to recall the freedom I’d basked in earlier while I was shopping with Sarah. The overwhelming euphoria of a new start. Some of the happiness came rushing back, not all of it, but some.

  I can do this.

  SEVEN

  To say I was out of place was an understatement, but no one seemed to notice.

  Can they see the poison inside me? The filth that clings to my skin?

  But if they did, no one said anything. I was introduced to hordes of people I would never remember. People who happily took my hand and shook it, complimenting my beauty as if I was some sort of ethereal creature. I’d never been complimented and flattered so much in my life, especially not by men in suits and women in designer gowns, sipping expensive champagne.

  “And who is this lovely lady, might I ask?”

  I smiled up at the man before me. He stood next to Rhett, but was clearly his polar opposite. With dark hair and olive skin, eyes almost black in color, but yet they still sparkled.

  “This is my sister Faye. Faye, this is one of the partners at the law firm Roger.”

  Roger’s eyes twinkled as he took my hand. “Wow, I didn’t think someone as ugly as Rhett could have such a beautiful sibling.” He kissed the back of my hand and I giggled. I actually fucking giggled. Who am I?

  “They’re step-siblings,” Sarah chimed in.

  “Ah, so that explains it.” Roger winked and let my hand go.

  A slow country song I’d never heard before started to play.

  “Oh, Rhett! It’s our song! We have to go dance.”

  Rhett glanced at me and then back at Sarah. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  Sarah looked at me as well, before nodding. “Oh, yes you’re right.”

  “You don’t have to babysit me,” I said quickly. “I’ll stand right here. I’ll be fine.”

  “You’re sure?” Sarah asked.

  I nodded.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Rhett’s eyes were on me, much as they had been since we came in. I knew the look there, the one that swirled behind his green irises. It liquefied something inside me.

  “I’ll stand with her,” Roger said.

  Rhett’s gaze flickered between us with a protective air.

  “It’s fine,” I said.

  “You’re sure?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes, go.” I gave them a small smile. It wasn’t genuine. It was the farthest from genuine as it could be, but they couldn’t tell. I didn’t want them off dancing together. I wanted Rhett to be with me, no matter how wonderful Sarah was.

  Rhett gave Roger a hard look before letting Sarah lead him onto the dance floor. I watched as they moved. They were in sync with one another, moving just as if they knew what the other would do. Other couples danced around them, but no one quite compared to them. Glittering yellow lights lit them in a pearly glow. Sarah smiled up at Rhett and I could see her love for him. It was brighter than anything I’d ever seen. It seemed to emanate out of her every pore, surrounding them and everyone else in the room.

  I hated the jealousy that swam through me.

  “Are you all right?”

  I glanced up at Roger who was peering down at me curiously.

  “I am.” I nodded quickly.

  “I didn’t know that Rhett even had a sister until tonight.”

  This took me aback. I had just assumed Rhett had told everyone about the things I had done. “I just recently moved back here.”

  “I see. Where did you move from?” He smiled down at me. His eyes were innocent, his intentions nothing but simple and good. I could see it in his face. But something inside me snapped like an unsuspecting twig.

  “I’m a prostitute.”

  He frowned. “What?”

  “A whore.” I watched as his facial expression changed, his eyes flickering through hundreds of questions. I waited for it, for the disgust that would surely come. The hate. I anticipated it with each passing second. If I couldn’t have Rhett’s hate anymore, then I would have someone’s. I could almost taste it, the way the loathing would make me feel.

  But the hate didn’t come. A blindingly handsome smile came instead. “
I didn’t expect honesty.”

  “You know?”

  “Only because he needed help with filing some paperwork for the hospital you were admitted too.” The smile never left his lips. “I’ve been a working lawyer a good five years longer than Rhett.”

  I stared up at him dumbfounded. He knows what I am, and yet he is still treating me like a lady?

  “Don’t look so surprised.”

  “Oh that was so fun! Y’all’s turn!”

  Sarah’s voice made me jump and I turned to see her rosy, smiling face.

  “Oh, no—”

  But then Rhett was standing in front of me holding out his hand.

  “You mean, me and—”

  “Yes,” he answered, his gaze unwavering on my face, his hand steady before me. It was the most he had spoken to me since I’d gotten out a week ago.

  I wanted to question him, but somehow I didn’t. Somehow I placed my hand in his and allowed him to lead me to the dance floor. I didn’t want to feel the warm tingles that spread up my arm at his touch. I couldn’t remember feeling it when we touched before, and quickly amounted it to the cocaine. And for the first moment all night, I didn’t crave a bump, so long as I could feel the flutter of excitement along my skin.

  He took both of my hands in his as we reached the dance floor. People were scattered around us already dancing to the new slow tune.

  “Have you ever two-stepped before?”

  I stared at him with what I knew was a blank stare.

  A smile curved at the corners of his lips. “I’ll teach you. Here.” He moved closer, until our chests were almost touching, dropping one hand to my lower back. “Let me lead, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, suddenly nervous. I hadn’t considered that dancing would be difficult. Sarah and Rhett had made it look easy.

  “You’ll go two steps forward and then one back.” I followed him, moving clumsily, practically tripping over my own feet. “Careful. Just follow me.” He pulled me tighter against him, the valley of my hips pressing into one of his. “Feel my hip? Follow it.”

  My breathing shallowed as I looked up at him. I’d never been this close to him before. Only in moments of hate, where it swirled around us mingling with the lust that was so thick it seemed to choke us. Never like this, dressed in expensive clothing with smiling couples twirling around us. I thought it was only his hate that could make me feel that way. My time in the hospital made me certain of it. I had convinced myself that I had thrived on Rhett’s hate the way I had thrived on Taylor’s. It gave me purpose, meaning.

  But there was no hate here now. Nothing malicious between us. His gaze met mine, his green eyes sparkling with a joy I hadn’t expected. But it wasn’t just joy, there was something more there. Something I couldn’t grasp. I tripped over my own foot before I could figure out what it was and went stumbling forward. Rhett stopped me before I hit the floor and for a moment we were stuck there in an odd limbo with his arms around my back, me looking up at him.

  Bubbles of laughter escaped my lips. It was just my luck that I would go and trip just when I was having one of those moments. The moments that stay with you forever. The ones you look back and think about how perfect they are. How you wouldn’t change a single thing about them.

  A smile broke out across his face as he righted me. I thought that would be it, that I was too much of hazard as a dance partner. But Rhett’s hand found my waist again and the other clasped one of my hands.

  “Let’s try this again, shall we?” He chuckled and something inside me melted, making tears spring to my eyes. It was silly, what did I have to cry for? I managed to hold them back by focusing on our movements and trying not trip again. This time I was successful and we were moving among the crowd like a normal pair of dancers, albeit sloppy ones.

  With each passing moment I was certain I clung to him harder. I knew the song would end, but I didn’t want it to.

  “I’m glad you came,” he whispered into my ear. A shiver traced down my spine.

  I could only nod. I didn’t have words. I wanted to ask him why he hadn’t been home all week. Why he hadn’t so much as looked at me until today. Why he gave Sarah all the credit for the way I looked. Didn’t he think I was pretty because I was me? Not because Sarah had added a little to me, but because I was Faye. But I didn’t say any of those things. I just looked up at him with wonder.

  He didn’t say anything else to me, but he did sing along. The soft melody of the country song floating around us. The lyrics whispered into my hair. And I let myself pretend that this was my reality. That he didn’t have Sarah waiting for him less than a hundred feet away. And it was magical. Those few moments where it was just the two of us.

  But then it was over. It wasn’t the song that ended. It wasn’t me tripping on my feet again. It was a voice. A hand. It touched my arm. The voice, a deep tenor I knew better than anyone’s.

  “Mind if I cut in?”

  And then I was looking up at him. The moment, the precious perfect moment, shattered, destroyed, ripped to shreds… by Taylor.

  EIGHT

  “Dad? You’re not supposed to be here.”

  Rhett’s voice was far away. All I could see was Taylor. I could feel him. His hand on my arm, his gaze penetrating mine.

  “I just want a dance.”

  “That wasn’t part of the agreement. We agreed you would give Faye time. It’s only been a week.”

  “Will you dance with me, Faye baby?” And then I saw it. It wasn’t the hate. It was something else. Love. I knew it better than I knew my own reflection, which wasn’t hard to believe these days. Taylor had looked at me like this more times than he had looked at me with hate, but I’d grown used to the hate. It had been years since he looked at me like this. Even in the month I spent with him I hadn’t seen this love. It was the kind that made my heart skip a beat. It was the look that made me give in to him all those years ago. The look that made me fall into our twisted love.

  “Yes.” The word was breathless and awkward on my lips.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea. Dad, you need to leave.” Rhett was suddenly between us and I couldn’t see Taylor’s face anymore, but I needed it. I needed to see it. Him. I needed to see that love. It was the only true love I knew. If I could have it back to the way it was before, I would take it. In that moment I would give anything for it.

  “No, Rhett. I’ll dance with him.” Somehow I said the words without shouting them, without screaming them into his back.

  “You’re sure?”

  But I had already stepped around him and placed my hand into Taylor’s. He was already leading me away with Rhett grumbling behind us. But I didn’t listen. The love was there, back in those eyes. I hadn’t seen it in so long, I wasn’t sure that it was real. We started moving to the music, his hand on my back, the other holding one of mine. The stance was the same as what Rhett and I had done. But it was different. I didn’t feel the warm overwhelming tingles.

  “I missed you, Faye baby.”

  We moved to the music and he trailed his hand down my arm, fingering the angry red scar.

  “Why, Faye baby, why did you do this?” The ache in his voice made something twist inside me.

  “I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”

  “Deal with what? I loved you. I still love you.”

  Though I could see the love in his eyes, his words sounded flat and I didn’t trust them. The desperation for his love was suddenly squashed as reality came back to me. The reason for the scar. I hadn’t forgotten, but I had been blinded by the familiar comfort he used to provide.

  “I shouldn’t be here.” I stopped moving and tried to step back from him, but he wouldn’t let me go.

  “Shhh, don’t say that. Don’t. You don’t mean it.”

  “I do.” But I didn’t try to move away again. I just stood there limply.

  “I’ve been so lost,” he said after several moments. His eyes grew misty and far away. “I didn’t know what to do after they took
you away. They took you and I was forbidden to see you.”

  “I was in a mental hospital. No one was allowed to see me,” I said, moving my feet again, letting him lead me.

  “I could have gotten around it. Gotten you out of there. But I couldn’t. Because of Rhett. He took legal action against me. Filed a restraining order where I couldn’t come see you, not without being put in jail.”

  I sucked in a breath. “What? But—”

  “He’s jealous.” Taylor’s words were bitter and I saw it. That hate. It swam to surface through the misty love. It pressed through the barrier with force, drowning everything else out. “He wants you for himself. He always has. I saw the way he looked at you.” Taylor’s gaze pierced mine. “The way he held you.”

  “It’s nothing like that, Taylor. He wants me to get better.”

  A cold laugh escaped his lips, causing the people dancing near us to glance our way. “Get better? No. He’s selfish. He just wants you on his terms. He only put you in that psychiatric hospital to get you away from me. That’s the only reason. It has nothing do with your health or getting you better. He wants to fuck you.” He rubbed his hand up and down on my back. “Or has he already?”

  “No.” Panic multiplied under my skin. I shouldn’t be here. How did I get here? Why did I agree to this? My earlier reasoning surfaced and the ridiculousness immersed me in fear.

  “But you still want him to.”

  “No.” I tried to step back but he held on to me tighter, his fingers biting into my back and hand. “You can’t run, Faye baby. Not tonight.” He leaned in closer, his face right against my ear. “Not ever.”

  Dread slammed into me, dragging me down in it’s suffocating waves. I was back there. With Taylor standing over me. I’d barely been home two days after the abortion he and my mother had forced me to have. I hadn’t stopped bleeding since then. There was too much blood. And I was light-headed and cold. I was going to die. I knew it. I knew I was. But I didn’t care. All I wanted was my baby. The baby whose movement had given me the feeling of butterfly wings. Tiny kicking feet. My baby.